How to make Alien Abduction work for you.

Robyn and I were having a laugh earlier about what kind of silly businesses we could create for fun and one idea that came up was a business that creates excuses for people to be absent from jobs they really, really, really hate. My favourite idea that came up was “The Alien Abduction Company”. Fed up with your tortuously mundane and dull job? Call “The Alien Abduction Company” and they'll send two “aliens” kitted out in grey Spandex and fencing masks with big vacant eyes glued to the front, to drop by in a spaceship painted Smart Car to “abduct” you to their planet … (actually they'll just take you to a party at the pub down the road full of beer and girls but no one needs to know that). They'll have Wi-Fi at the pub so you can email the terrible news from “outer space”:

“Dear Boss,

Kevin here. I am sorry I will not be into the office today as I have been abducted by aliens. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

PS: The experiments are horrendous, but surprisingly much more bearable than my actual job so I think I'll opt for staying on the ship a bit longer and endure being tortured here rather than in the office, thanks!

PPS: If you are looking for the rest of Sales and Marketing, I'm sorry but Baz, Dave and Jeff have been abducted as well.

PPPS: The aliens appear to be trying to drug us with some sort of tranquillizer. They keep force feeding us all a strange liquid which is amber coloured and has a white froth on the top and has a consistency something like beer..... funny, makes your head spin and blurs your vision just like beer too......

PPPPS: I think they are also running some sort of breeding program in an attempt to continue their race which, unfortunately has now dwindled to a purely female population. Fortunately the aliens aren't too bad looking because they have genetically modified themselves for our benefit to look exactly like Hooters Girls. This experiment seems to have some connection with the amber liquid one above but I haven't figured out what it is yet. It's exhausting as there are so many alien females and only four of us humans. But don't worry boss, as tough going as this is, I think we will survive ... I think......

PPPPPS: Don't waste tax payer money sending a rescue space shuttle or contacting SETI. I am sure we can all survive this terrible ordeal and convince the aliens to return us to Earth in time for pay cheque collection on Thursday.

PPPPPPS: Understandably I think our nerves are going to be shot by the time we get back to Earth and that could result in some under performance in our jobs. I'm sure you'll understand though that this might make it hard for us to meet the stiff Sales targets Management have set for the latest Quarter. If you could perhaps convince them to ease up on the expectations and also give us some extra paid leave so we can take time off to recover that would be really helpful.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Kev.”

(Incidentally, I am going to be changing my name by deed poll to Richard when I return just in case any of these alien females try it on for child support or marriage).

***

So, after we had finished designing our business we got onto the subject of what makes people believe they have been abducted by aliens in the first place and Robyn unearthed two gems on the net which are irreverently hilarious. Clearly these are spoof articles written by someone with a rudely warped sense of humour but they cracked me up so much I almost did my barf act again. No wonder Robyn prefers to talk to me by msn! I think this is the funniest thing I've read this year so far. (Warning – depending on your sense of humour you'll either be totally offended or you won't be able to stop laughing like me!)

o The Anal Probe - What is It?

...“I would think that if an alien race had the technology to travel here from another galaxy, they wouldn’t have to resort to sticking an instrument package into a test subject’s anus to find out how they ticked. “...

o Have You Ever Noticed That No Good Looking People Believe in Alien Abductions?

...“I don't even bother explaining the theory of relativity to alien abduction believers as most think it has something to do with incest.”...

(incidentally the pop ups are harmless – just tell them to bugger off by clicking the x's)

OK, so after that little diversion I'm off to finish writing the SERIOUS blog I was working on – attempting to debate a Creationist. So if I disappear off the face of the Earth in the next 48 hours you'll know I've either been abducted myself or God has struck me down with a bolt of lightening for questioning one of his flock!