Friday, 13 March 2009

How to make Alien Abduction work for you.

Robyn and I were having a laugh earlier about what kind of silly businesses we could create for fun and one idea that came up was a business that creates excuses for people to be absent from jobs they really, really, really hate. My favourite idea that came up was “The Alien Abduction Company”. Fed up with your tortuously mundane and dull job? Call “The Alien Abduction Company” and they'll send two “aliens” kitted out in grey Spandex and fencing masks with big vacant eyes glued to the front, to drop by in a spaceship painted Smart Car to “abduct” you to their planet … (actually they'll just take you to a party at the pub down the road full of beer and girls but no one needs to know that). They'll have Wi-Fi at the pub so you can email the terrible news from “outer space”:

“Dear Boss,

Kevin here. I am sorry I will not be into the office today as I have been abducted by aliens. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

PS: The experiments are horrendous, but surprisingly much more bearable than my actual job so I think I'll opt for staying on the ship a bit longer and endure being tortured here rather than in the office, thanks!

PPS: If you are looking for the rest of Sales and Marketing, I'm sorry but Baz, Dave and Jeff have been abducted as well.

PPPS: The aliens appear to be trying to drug us with some sort of tranquillizer - a strange liquid which is amber coloured and has a white froth on the top and has a consistency and taste something like beer..... funny, makes your head spin and blurs your vision just like beer too......

PPPPS: I think they are also running some sort of breeding program in an attempt to continue their race which, unfortunately has now dwindled to a purely female population and is in danger of becoming extinct. Fortunately the aliens aren't too bad looking because they have genetically modified themselves for our benefit to look exactly like Hooters Girls!

PPPPPS: Don't waste tax payer money sending a rescue space shuttle or contacting SETI. I am sure we can all survive this terrible ordeal and convince the aliens to return us to Earth in time for pay cheque collection on Thursday.

PPPPPPS: Understandably I think our nerves are going to be shot by the time we get back to Earth and that could result in some under performance in our jobs. I'm sure you'll understand though that this might make it hard for us to meet the stiff sales targets Management have set for the latest Quarter. If you could perhaps convince them to go easy on their expectations and also give us some paid leave so we can take time off to recover that would be really helpful.

Thanks for being so understanding.


(Incidentally, I am going to be changing my name by deed poll to Richard when I return just in case any of these alien females try it on for child support or marriage).


OK, so after that little diversion I'm off to finish writing the SERIOUS blog I was working on – attempting to debate a Creationist. So if I disappear off the face of the Earth in the next 48 hours you'll know I've either been abducted myself or God has struck me down with a bolt of lightening for questioning one of his flock!


Anonymous said...

So true - what on earth could an alien race uncover about us, by sticking something up our rectums?

That we're all full of shit? LOL


Morgan said...

I loved that comment. It's like the crop circle thing. If an alien race is so sophisticated that they can travel all the way to Earth to leave us a message don't you think they'd bother to at least write the damn thing in English so we understand it rather than leave a pile of nonsensical circles in a field????? What a waste of time and energy otherwise!

Also why do people who believe that always assume that the alien race is trying to forewarn us of our self destructive tendencies? If they are going to leave circles it could mean absolutely anything. It could mean "You humans are destroying your planet and need to change your ways" or "Your planet has been earmarked for removal from the universe to make way for a super intergalactic highway", or "Your planet has the best pizza. We'd like two Hawaiian pizzas with crispy base and fries to go please".